GARDEN XXX - IS IT FOR YOU?

One more warning, for sensitive people with limited tolerance for bawdy humor taken from real life. Viewing this page is for mature people with an adolescent sense of humor.

Janet Jackson didn't come up with ANYTHING new!

 

Who defines what is decent - or otherwise - in the garden?


Adding to existing Internet domains such as .com, .net, .edu and the like, there is a proposed new one: .xxx for… well, if you don’t already know then trust me, you should never click on a link ending with triple x.

Personally, I wish they had a .garden domain name! But until then, let me be the first to exploit a garden.xxx site. Nudity, violence, cruel practices, objectionable language, overt drug use: There is lots of material, as a visit to any botanic garden will quickly prove.

For one thing, there's a plethora of garden nudity going all the way back to Adam and Eve - and the holy censorship that quickly followed. Not that I am offended by the human body, but the garden club lady down my street would have heart palpitations if I displayed in my garden some of the stuff I have seen in public gardens. I mean, have you ever been to Versailles? Louis XIV had a fetish for nude statues, many of which were just realistic enough that I couldn’t take photos of them lest my camera be seized by customs. And don’t even get me started on the stuff they uncovered at Pompeii! Most botanic gardens sport stuff that my momma would never let me put out front.

To some folks, garden indecency also includes gnomes, flamingoes, and miniature windmills. As it’s said, “there’s no accounting for taste.”

And trust me, there are Latin names that you will never see appearing on plant labels in most botanical gardens - look up “titan arum” and “butterfly pea” if you dare.

As for violence, one word: pollarding. While I am personally a big fan of pruning, including pollarding, coppicing, topiary, and hedge shearing, it is in fact a brutal practice inflicted on plants by horticulturists and home gardeners alike. The sheer terror a holly must feel when being whacked mercilessly by gas trimmer must be horrific.

Ditto for weeds being pulled, seedlings being thinned, and tomatoes being stripped of their fruit. To wildflowers, a compost bin is a terrible place to be tossed into merely for growing in the wrong place. And Roundup must be an appallingly slow, cruel way to go.

And drug use is rampant in the garden, from my own use of antihistamines to my Camellia Society friends’ use of growth regulators just to make flowers bigger. Miracle Gro? Just say no, my friends!

Garden.xxx - nothing new, folks.

1st Century colbalt glass plaque


BAD ATTITUDES!

BIZARRE CREATURES!

SLOTHFUL BEHAVIOR!

 

NUDITY!

......

Watch your camera angle!

 

VIOLENCE!

Sadism and Bondage

...

To self-appointed, Southern Living-annointed taste-makers,

"crape murder" is an extreme form of garden violence.

...unnatural cutting

Painted plants - offensive?

 

 

Natural wildlife comfort

is uncomfortable for some folks to observe.

LASCIVIOUS LANGUAGE!

...

Amorphophallus

DRUGS!

Antihistamines! Growth Regulators to make grow flowers bigger! Miracle Gro!

Chemical warfare against nature

CRUEL PLANTS!

Poison ivy! Venus flytrap! Cocklebur! Poison hemlock!

BIZARRE CREATURES and ACTIVITIES!

MEN WITH FOLIAGE GROWING FROM THEIR HEADS

 

Meat-eating insects!

Giant Parasites (mistletoe)

Radiation!

 

Bees sucking flowers in their tenderest, most private parts!

Hand-pollinating squash!

 

BAD PUNS!

 

...where will it end?


 

Felder abuses plants with a vengeance